Why some people never say sorry

Hi,

You probably know someone like this. They forget your birthday, cancel at the last minute or say something that stings in front of other people. You bring it up, calmly, and instead of an apology you get an explanation. Or a change of subject. Or, if you're unlucky, a list of the things you did wrong last month.

It's tempting to conclude they simply don't care. Most of the time, that isn't what's going on.

For a lot of people, an apology doesn't feel like a small social repair. It feels like handing over something valuable. Saying "I was wrong" means admitting that the version of themselves they carry around, the competent one, the fair one, the one who has things under control, has a crack in it. The more that self-image is holding up, the more dangerous the crack feels.

There's an interesting piece of research on this. Psychologists in Australia asked people to think about something they had done wrong and then either apologize or deliberately refuse. Those who refused reported feeling more in control and, for a while, better about themselves than those who apologized. Not saying sorry gave them a small, quiet boost. Which helps explain why some people keep doing it: in the moment, it works for them.

There's often a second layer, too. Many people who can't apologize grew up in places where admitting a mistake was punished rather than forgiven. They learned early that whoever says sorry loses. As adults they know, in theory, that this isn't true, but the old reflex fires before the theory gets a word in.

None of this makes it easier to live with. But it does change what's worth trying.

If you're waiting for the words "I'm sorry", you may wait a long time. What these people can often give you is a repair without the confession. They turn up early next time. They do the thing they forgot. They're unusually nice to you two days later. It isn't the apology you wanted, but for them it's the same message in a language they can manage.

It also helps to make the door smaller. "You were wrong and you hurt me" asks them to walk through a very narrow gap. "That didn't land well with me, can we do it differently next time?" asks for something they can say yes to without giving up their whole self-image.

And sometimes the honest answer is that a person who never apologizes is telling you how much weight they're willing to carry in the relationship. That's worth knowing too.

See you next week,

Ben